No Disturbing the Peace!

Are your kids driving you nuts yet? ‘Mom, he took my toy’, ‘Mom, she’s copying me’, ‘Mom, he’s touching me’! ‘WAHHHHH, she punched me!’ ‘Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom!’  Does this sound like your house? Does it feel like every 5 minutes someone is coming to complain to you about what brother/sister did? Since summer is here and kids are spending more time together, I thought that dealing with sibling squabbles would be a timely subject for us all!

I recently attended a parenting workshop by Lori Rader-Jacobs, a certified John Rosemond parenting coach in Marietta. As a fan already of John Rosemond, I knew she was the person to ask for advice on dealing with sibling fights…a major source of stress for any parent of more than 1 child!  Lori offered up this advice for us all:

Do not involve yourselves in the rivalry.  There is a normal amount of arguing that should be expected but if their conflicts are causing frequent disruptions of the family’s peace it should be addressed.  Resist becoming the referee.  It’s the children involved who should be held completely and equally responsible for the conflict and the resolution of it. 

Rosemond states that holding both children responsible for the bickering is the key…this is to avoid the back and forth that continues once one of the children comes to you in their attempt to get you on their side

Lori then explained my favorite way to deal with sibling fights, John Rosemond’s “No Disturbing the Family Peace” tactic. I also found this explained in “New Parent Power” book by Rosemond:

Start with writing down 5 privileges your children enjoy (playing outside, regular bedtime, having a friend over, computer time, etc). Make a chart with 10 boxes (2 rows of 5) numbered from 10 down to 1. The first 5 boxes (top row) are left blank and in the 2nd row list one privilege in each box. Explain to the kids that their arguing is “disturbing the family peace”. The chart will help them solve their own problems and that anytime their bickering disturbs you (noise level wise or when one of them comes to you to complain) you will cross off a box starting with box # 10. They will both be held responsible, you are no longer be determining who was at fault. The chart begins on Monday for one week. The first 5 are “freebies” as Lori calls them so that the children are given the opportunity to fix their own problem with no penalty. Remember you are not forbidding them from disagreeing with each other just the “noisy arguing” and running to you every 5 minutes. The last 5 boxes contain the privileges that BOTH children will loose for the rest of the week REGARDLESS of who did what. Now, the fun begins! Each time the kids “disturb the peace” you mark the chart. Don’t engage in any discussion, just cross off the box. Explain in a casual tone, that b/c they were unable to solve their problem on their own they will loose a box and suggest they figure out a way to handle their differences quietly so they don’t loose another one. You continue to use the same chart each day for one week, picking up each day where the previous day left off (so if they lost box #10 & 9 on Monday, you’d cross of #8 if they disturb the peace on Tuesday).

Lori explained that it might take a couple of weeks for them to figure things out but there should be more peace restored.  Over time you should reduce the number of freebies as they grow in their conflict resolution skills.  Since we know bad habits are hard to break, Lori suggests keeping the chart a few months to see a permanent change!

Good Luck & let us know if you try this chart and how it goes.

Click here to learn more about Lori Rader-Jacobs and find her workshops. "Like" her on facebook. She is also a blogger on Parenting Issues in the "Local Voices" section of The East Cobb Patch & Smyrna-Vinings Patch 
Thanks Lori for your advice and help with today's topic!